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Friday, July 24, 2009

A Childs Love for their mother

There are two months in the year to which I dread, September and November. September because that is the month my Mom past away and November because that is the month she was born. I was going to write this in Sept as an Ode to her, but have this weird feeling like I just need to get it out now.

You know that old saying “You don't realize what you have till it's gone?” Well that has to be one of the most PURE and TRUE sayings ever derived. Whenever I hear someone complaining about how much of a pain in the ass their Mom is, or how annoying she is. I tell them they are lucky, at least they have someone to get annoyed and angry at.

They also say that “Time heals all wounds.” I have to disagree, as for me time only makes the wounds bigger and deeper. Time doesn’t heal! Time makes you miss them even more. In the beginning it is easier, as it all appears to be a big dream. Like it’s normal to go days without seeing you because I am working and busy, but then a holiday comes and everything is gone! The rooms empty. The last piece to the puzzle now missing and me feeling like everything you had gone through to put it together was now worth nothing.

So I want to make a toast:

Here’s to you Mom.

Here's to my 1st bra and how you embarrassed me by having dad give it to me, and how I twisted and twisted that stupid pink bow in the middle trying to take it off.

Here's to always extra long with wings and how you told everyone when I first got my period.

Here's to chopping my hair off like Demi Moore in the movie Ghost.

Here’s to you copying my Demi Moore haircut and my siblings laughing at me because we looked alike and me crying.

Here's to horsehine used in my hair to get the knots out and me fighting it, hence why you cut my hair off.

Here's to you never buying me the shoes I wanted because you thought I had too many already and me throwing a fit.

Here's to polka dot bathing suits and the circle tan lines I received from them all over my body.

Here's to you talking about my Boobs in front of my friends, and how I needed to stop touching them because they were getting to big.

Here's to late nights in the hot tub when it rained and us getting out when the lighting came.

Here’s to 5 times a day phone calls from you asking me the same thing each time ”what are you doing,” and me getting annoyed because I was working.

Here's to scary movies and you jumping at the appearance of Michael Meyers, hitting your glasses, cutting your nose and then laughing about it.

Here's to "Good Morning Law Offices of ........" at two in the afternoon.

Here's to vacations to the Beach, Camping, Disneyland and spending your inheritance to take us all on a cruise, the best vacation ever.

Here's to the naked guy on the Glass Bottom Rum Tiki boat and the same free drink of the night only it had a different name and different color.

Here's to me asking for you to bring me back a MAPLE LEAF when you went on your cruise to Canada and Alaska.

Here’s to you bringing me back a baggy full of leaves literally, when Dad knew I meant a Toronto hockey player.

Here's to still having that bag full of leaves in my nightstand by my bed.

Here's to Sister trying to pick you up from the cruise and asking if she could park closer because you were handicap and the policeman telling here "Ma’am everyone on this ship is handicap!"

Here's to the WWF and the Rock and every guy you thought had a cute a butt.

Here's to "Driving Mrs. P." license plate frames and you making us listen to the Backstreet boys, how embarrassing.

Here's to you hitting me like a girl, and me laughing when you were trying to spank me.

Here's to traveling with me on soccer trips and upon returning home, you enjoying freshly cleaned carpets and your pictures being re-arranged from the multiple house parties your kids would throw when you were gone.

Here's to knowing everything about everyone. Like when the guy came to re-model the kitchen you knew his whole life story and the anesthesiologists from all your surgeries coming to visit you after surgery because those 10 minutes they spent with you, changed their life.

Here’s to Ready Wheels and me picking you up from Dialysis after my doctor’s appointments and you sleeping on my bed in my apartment.

Here's to pushing you in your wheelchair and facing you towards a wall as I walked away laughing and then spinning you fast in circles and running down the street with you screaming for me to stop, yet laughing at the same time.

Here's to you crying in your room and me asking why you were crying and you saying "I have more to cry about then you know" and me just walking away.

Here's to paying you to do my laundry when I moved out so you could have extra money to get your nails and toes done, or was it because there’s nothing like your Mom doing your laundry.

Here's to me moving for a 2nd time and you saying "You keep moving farther away from me" yet a few months later when you passed away, we practically became neighbors.

Here’s to being the last person to see you before you passed, and to you sitting on the edge of the hospital bed almost falling off and you telling me “I’m okay, I’m just rummy from the medicine, please go home.” And to me looking back wondering if you knew what was happening and could I have helped?

Here’s to seeing you lying in the hospital bed lifeless, with a smile on your face despite the tube in your mouth and me smiling back knowing you were happy now and in a better place.

Here’s to the thunder and lightning that hit the night you passed, when we hardly ever get lighting and thunder and me telling all the babies “Grandma is pissed off!”

Here’s to old friends from my High School showing up at your funeral telling me you were the nicest person they every knew because you always bought candy and raffle stuff they were selling .

Here’s to Dad wanting a purple Rosary at your funeral because it matched his boat and all the times you put up with us all being goofy like this, especially when Dad had a big screen delivered on Sisters wedding day.

Here's to open heart surgery and the bravest person I know. For who laughs and has a good time hours before their chest is to be split open, and then ,when it's over their first words to the nurse were "I can't believe I'm alive." We never would have known you were thinking that. How strong you were to make us feel like everything was okay, when inside you thought you were going to die.

Here's to being fearless and surviving: A Heart Attack, Quadruple bypass Surgery, Diabetes, Cancer and Dialysis, just to name a few. In the end you may have not won the war (we all lose in the end), but you sure kicked ass during the battles!

Here’s to my son saying how mean you are because you keep taking all his pets up to Heaven and yet you never send him any birthday gifts or Christmas presents.

Here’s to me wishing he understood what Heaven really was.

Here’s to your life and mine being cut way to short and robbed from future memories we should be creating.

Here's to re-living it all again the good, the bad and the ugly, just to have you come back here.

Here's to the poem I wrote when you passed and sharing it at your funeral.

My Angel

Angel sent from above, where have you gone?We here miss you and hope that you’re being strong.Angel sent from above, have they taken you back to that place?Do they know we still need you, and that, you can never be replaced?Angel sent from above, would we see you again?We long for your laughter and best wishes we send.Angel sent from above, are you looking down on us?We want to feel safe and it's only you that we trust.Angel sent from above, would we always be apart?We want you to know that no matter what happens, forever you'll be in our heart.Angel sent from above, can you take away the pain?Without you traveling through life is just not the same.Angel sent from above, ensure us that everything's going to be okay.Rub our heads and say, "It gets better, you'll see, tomorrow is a new day."Angel sent from above, you were stolen from this place,If we could take back one thing it would be that we'd erase.Angel sent from above like you there's no other.We here are proud that you are our MOTHER!

Here’s to a child’s love for their Mother!


Kelly said...

This post is so beautiful and touching, it took my breath away! She sounds like an amazing mother (not was- IS).

And I love that she brought home a bag of leaves for you- priceless!

Your mother must be so proud of you.

prettygreengirl said...

Really beautiful Lisa. I'm sorry for your loss!

thatgirlblogs said...

every mom should be so lucky to leave such wonderful memories behind. she's an inspiration and you've really honored her here.

Amy said...

this is such a sweet and wonderful post. You had such a fun Mom. I am so glad you got to share so much for her. This really made me think... Thanks for sharing...

Greg said...

From your lips to God's ears. I miss her thinking my birthday was in September instead of October. Every year I got two Happy Birthdays from her...

celyn said...

Reading your post, my mind began to explode with thoughts and memories. I remember that horrible night. Driving by the hospital on my way to watch Gage. Saying out loud in the car as I looked over, “Love you mom, I will come by and see you later.” Later came, but she was gone. I have been too tired to deal with my antics from that day. I was happy to try to push them behind. You have reminded me there is rhyme and reason to our sorrows.

The worst day of my life so I thought was when my mom told everyone that she had Arenial Kidney Failure and that she would have to live out the rest of her life on dialysis. When we asked if she could have a transplant her reply was simple. I am not considered a good candidate. I remember screaming at her, "Who the fuck determines that?" She smiled and said, "some call them Doctors and some call them miracle workers. I prefer the latter sounds more mythical. I have always wanted to be part of a legend (little did she know she was always our hero and had reached her legendary status long before then)."

I cried that day, although as I look back on it, I am not quite sure why. It was far too soon for me to miss her. I suppose much of my tears came from fear; fear of change, fear of being alone, the fear of not being in control, and the fear of the future and the unknown. Yet mostly, the fear of the uncertain finality of life seemed to consume me the most. To that degree, I cried for my mom, since I was uncertain of her final resting place, and whether or not I would see her suffer.

Let me start by saying, this day will always remain etched in my memory as a tear. For this day, tears drop down my face because so many plans hopes and dreams should have begun this day. Tears drop from my face for all the love I send you wishing I could be the one who made you smile and made you laugh, this day. But instead the day brought with it so much sadness. I sit with empty arms feeling so empty inside and so very alone. I am still in shock, there is no easy way to recall her memory for me.

My sorrow from her passing buried my heart alive in thick quick sand. My heart still feels heavily weighted from the sandbag that I have firmly fastened to it. I feel incapable of accepting her passing with this weight around my heart. You reminded me the night she passed nature began screaming at me. I remember loud rumbles weren't beautiful; they were fierce, reminding me that they were a force to be reckoned with, much like my life. Lights were flickering; I wondered if it was a sign. I was painfully aware that I was losing the feeling of security that she gave me. For the first time I knew I had to sit there and figure it out for myself, no mom to guide me. Maybe that was why nature was crying that night. It was as if Nature sympathized with me and cried for me. Was the rumbling thunder her life? Was she angry at her, rumbling at her and scaring her, just as her passing scared me? She became my umbrella when nature called to cry. she became the towel that wiped my tears and she became the hug that held me in my best and worst moments and then she was gone.

celyn said...

When she took a turn for the worst, one night when I was as dutifully as ever sitting there with her alone, we were talking about Christopher when out of the blue she said, "Celyn, be good. Promise me that you will help your dad, he is tired and will need all you can give him. Be strong. Keep everyone together. Protect your baby. You know I will always be watching. I have the hidden eyes of motherhood. And soon you will realize you do too." (Unknown to most, I was terrified of motherhood)

When heroes die, worlds collapse, and two years after that day mine did. The walls came down, and I had a glimpse of reality. I felt lost and afraid as I was confronted with my own mortality. If this could happen to her, the one person I thought was indestructible, what was my future to be like? I retreated to the recesses of my comfortable little world, the four corners of my mind where nobody could hurt me, and life would stay still for a while. To be a child in her arms forever, that was my unobtainable goal.

It was not that night, but distant nights in the future that I cry more than nature had that night she passed. Something stronger than nature made me hold on and stifle how I felt. I tried to prevent the rain from extinguishing my feelings. When it occurred to me that I wasn't sheltering myself; I was trying to shelter my shattered heart, which undoubtedly would one day leave me stricken with anguish once I realized the realities of sheltering or not feeling the pain.

celyn said...

You said that you would not leave me. But now, the glimmer of stars surrounds you; a place where angels abide, where love and the solace of existence coincides. You are where you were destined to be, but you left behind broken hearts and discord among those that held your heart so dearly. Though you’re missed, your life was full; not even a moment of the existence of your time was dispelled.

I have lately become extremely introverted and feel the need to keep the rest of humanity at arms length. I cannot do this forever, though. As time progresses, my fear is turning to confusion, and my confusion turning to frustration.

When we were struggling with Christopher', I realized how much I had been so desperately striving to fulfill my mom’s request. "Take care of the babies." Now I had some life changing questions to ask, but where was my hero, my mentor? How was I supposed to take care of him? "Help, can anyone hear me? I need answers! How do I do this? I don't even know how to be a mom?" No answers received, my response: "Life is a bitch."

So the days have passed, and I struggle to move on. I have begun to realize it isn't as if I didn't have any guidance and direction, though. I must be clear about this. My mother demonstrated a strength and courage that amazed me. Those loving arms that she wrapped around my neck that day when she told me Grandmother died never left me. Always a comfort and an encouragement, her love kept me sane. This is how you do it I heard her whisper in the wind.

That night was the beginning for you mom in heaven, but the end of an era for the hearts left behind. You always knew my thoughts. Always anticipated the paths I would take before I realized the problems I created. But, you always had the solutions and made everything all shiny and new.

Your love surrounded me all the days as a child. Your strength and love will carry me through. I lay upon my bed in the dark of the night and dream of all the wonderful times we had. I can see you clearly and hear your gentle voice, but then I awake and realize you are not here, but up above where you belong.

In a beautiful blue lagoon on a clear day, a fine sailing ship spreads its brilliant white canvas in a fresh morning breeze sails out to the open sea. We watch it glide away magnificently through the deep blue and gradually see it grow smaller and smaller as it nears the horizon.

Finally, where the sea and sky meet, it slips silently from sight; and inside you your heart can be heard saying, 'There, it is gone!' Gone where? Gone from sight, that is all. It is still as large in mast and hull and sail, still just as able to bear its load. And we can be sure that, just as we say, 'There, it is gone!' another says, 'Here, it comes! This ship is a metaphor for the love you have given me. Although it seems like it will always float endlessly at bay, one day it will begin to sail away. This will seem so harsh and will tear at my soul. But in the next breath, the same love that you have given me, I will turn and give to another.

On the darkest night, the stars shine most brightly, to the world she was just one, to us she is our world.

JennyMac said...

This is so lovely. Your Mom is such a beautiful part of your life. And lucky to be so loved too.

elayne said...

Lisa - your mom was an awesome woman! I loved coming over to your house and visiting, because your mom was always funny, down to earth and great to be around! I am sorry for your loss and can relate to the ongoing sadness and hole that remains for you. Take care! Elayne

Sandy said...

Whew, first time I visit you and I am blown away by this post. So many simple moments which meant so much. Your mom must have been young and a terrific lady. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Jessica said...

Wow, Lisa Anne. I must say that this is something I can definitely relate to. And, my worst fear is exactly this...that the wounds will only grow bigger with time. I guess we're all different though. Thank you for leaving such a sweet message for me.

BTW, I love the name of your blog...very cute.